I have been considering writing this for a few months now but felt discouraged and fearful that my words weren’t actually from God, then on Sunday in church the sermon was about the same thing so I decided to go for it.
I am a critical thinker, it’s in my DNA, it’s part of my personality, that’s just how I am. I have to figure things out, if I feel something is unanswered or illogical, I often can’t let it rest until I figure it out. This caused me to feel a lot of shame in my relationship with God because I found myself doubting and asking questions. I couldn’t seem to just accept the truth of the Bible without first dissecting it and figuring out everything it could mean. Questions hidden in shame grew to be doubt, I doubted that God existed or loved me. I doubted truth because of the way it was twisted throughout history with the purpose of humans controlling other humans. I thought, “it makes so much more sense for religion to be a man made thing.” (which is true I suppose, and Jesus didn’t seem to be a fan of religion… see Matthew 23).
During these doubting time, God loved me tenderly, God waited patiently, God reminded me of when I first experienced Him. Joy, inexplainable joy; peace steady enough to calm all fear. JOY and PEACE, this is what I turn to when I doubt, I remember when my God in all of His glory wrapped himself in dirty, painful human flesh just to give me joy. I remember how Jesus suffered humiliation and death on a cross to give me peace. I remember the joy that overtook me when I called on Him. So faithful, so steadfast, he answered tenderly with abundant joy. dang.
Though I have been walking with Jesus for almost 7 years now, I find myself questioning and doubting. I am thankful that I have learned whenever I am questioning I can whine and complain to the God of the universe, that I don’t have to hide my own unfaithfulness from the bridegroom. During one of these times of whining and complaining, I expressed my guilt to God, that I wasn’t being a “good” Christian, that I was doubting him. He responded tenderly but still full of truth. He revealed to me that doubting does not show lack of faith. He allowed me to see that by exploring our doubts and not hiding from them or hiding them from other people, we strengthen our faith. If we believe that God is the truth, we shouldn’t be afraid to ask questions. He also showed me that acting in faith during times of doubt pleases Him. Walking with Jesus when we doubt him shows strong faith.
I say all of this with one goal: to encourage you to ask questions. Dive deep into what you believe, Christian or not, and figure it out for yourself, take ownership of it. Don’t hold on to something you are afraid to question.